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Revolutionary new E Street weight loss porgramme launched


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A newly released programme offers followers the ability to lose almost half a stone in a single day by following a simple set of procedures:

  • Arrive at a large sports stadium, somewhere on your continent, where a popular american band are playing later that day
  • Spend some quality time wandering about the forecourt asking people "any idea where the guys doing the pit bands are?"
  • Retreat, in disappointment, to the what the elite "First 1000" rather snootily dismiss as "the second line"
  • Stand for approximately 3 hours in the warm sun, retreating occasionally to the shade. Keep moving lightly from foot to foot to maintain your Heart Rate in the "Fat Burn" zone
  • Marvel at the amount of fertiliser a single police horse can produce
  • Get your step count up by wandering to facilities such as the portaloo or merchandise stall. If in a foreign land, learn the local translations of the following key phrases
    • "What? Twenty Five quid for a white tee-shirt with an album cover pasted on it!!"
    • "Oh, I'm sorry madam. They do have locks on the inside of the doors you know"
  • Occasionally walk to the front of "the second line" to see "what the f*&% is going on"
  • As the appointed gates-opening time approaches, jog to the portaloos for one final visit. Retreat immediately when you realise the queue is 50 long. Cross your legs.
  • At a random time the "second line" will mysteriously shuffle forward some 10 yards, accompanied by excited shouts of "ooh, they're opening the doors".
  • Relax. Take your time. The doors will remain closed.
  • Approximately 10 minutes later the doors WILL be opened and you will be admitted to the "North-East terrace hill climb"
  • All those seemingly polite people who stood so calmly with you will now sprint up the nearest stairs at a speed that would make the average fell-runner question his pace
  • After a brief and confusing wait, you will then be invited to descend a set of stairs to "the pitch". Your target pace is "downhill skier"
  • On reaching "the pitch" run to a small fenced off area at the front of the stage. Ignore pleas to "walk". Your target pace is "Usain Bolt"
  • At this stage, you may need to engage a set of techniques from the renowned publication "scrummaging skills of the All-Blacks"
  • To aid recovery, stand in the blazing sun for around 90 minutes, occasionally improving your step count in the general direction of "the bar" and "the loo"
  • At a random time (usually about 10 minutes after some brave chaps have climbed some ladders above the stage) said popular band will mosy out
  • For the next 3 and a half hours, try to maintain a steady Heart Rate around the boundary between the "fat burn" and "cardio" zones" 
  • Useful techniques to achieve this include singing, dancing, clapping, jumping, waving your arms around, punching the air and so on
  • Use of inappropriate methods such as "repeatedly chatting during quiet songs" and "spilling your beer over someone whilst waving the glass around during Johnny 99" can adversely impact your ongoing exercise regime. Owing to your hospitalisation.

By following these few simple steps, we can guarantee you a thoroughly life-affirming experience that will make the pounds fall off. Especially the 75 of them you paid for the ticket. 

Doubtful? Incredulous? Our peer-reviewed evidence, as shown below, should convince you.

 

Capture1.JPG

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3 minutes ago, Kay said:

What if we could stand to put on a few pounds?  According to my friends as of late, I probably could. 

Is there a programme for weight gain?  Or can you help me devise one? 

Simple. Buy a single burger outside.

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14 minutes ago, Kay said:

What if we could stand to put on a few pounds?  According to my friends as of late, I probably could. 

Is there a programme for weight gain?  Or can you help me devise one? 

did you not see all those lovely hotdogs and Italian sausages outside the LA sports arena young lady?

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Great description. Very funny. Now try and do the rain and cold waiting version for the pit.  Very common in Northern Europe.

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Very accurate description - anyone else planning to wear compression socks to aid speed drills and Long-Day's-Standing-into-Night?

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20 hours ago, candy's boy said:

Great post OP, very funny.

I presume the concept of 12 st 8.3 lbs actually means something in your part of the world?

The local expression for that weight is "skinny fucker". :-)

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1 hour ago, SavinUp said:

Great description. Very funny. Now try and do the rain and cold waiting version for the pit.  Very common in Northern Europe.

It's essentially the same, but wear more layers and hop from foot to foot slightly faster to keep warm. Remember that pit etiquette allows requests to be written on umbrellas rather than card, but that they should be lowered during songs.

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2 hours ago, MagicRatAFC said:

The local expression for that weight is "skinny fucker". :-)

Aye, but I'm only 4 foot 6

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