Thank You AOL for Protecting Us From Bruce

unknown, 2000-10-01, by: Brian Franklin
Recently, AOL banned certain Bruce Springsteen lyrics from its discussion groups. These lyrics were the typical smut that we're all used to from Bruce Springsteen: "My love is bigger than a Honda; bigger than a Subaru." Ever since he came up with the words "Janey had her fingers in the cake," we've known Bruce was a bastion of immorality.
What we didn't know was that AOL would catch such hell for its high standards. After all, what kind of decent, good-loving Internet service would allow "Just wrap your legs 'round these velvet rims" to be posted willy-nilly all over its domain? Only an ISP full of evil-doers, no doubt.
From the day fans started to post Funktonic Review lyrics such as "I want to put my meat in your grinder" on the net, ISP's have had a tough decision to make. On one hand, liberal, tree-loving badger molesters have proclaimed that the First Amendment allows them to post such lyrics. On the other hand, lyrics such as "I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away" are clearly a reference to rampant polygamy and even possibly encourage self-stimulation.
What is an ISP to do? In the case of Bruce Springsteen, the decision was clear. "Put on your best dress baby, and darling fix your hair up right," is clearly advocating prostitution. "Mister the day the lottery comes in, I ain't ever going to ride in no used car again," is a slam on both used car owners and salesmen - in short, the working class. Just the title of the song "Adam Raised a Cain" should be banned from AOL for its references to Adam's erection.
Long time Springsteen friend, supporter, and writer, Dave Marsh, criticized AOL for banning such evil vulgarities. He seems to liken it to MTV's refusal to air black artists early on in the station's development. However, a quick look at Marsh's titles suggest he too is a man to keep out of the public eye. Trapped : Michael Jackson and the Crossover Dream, suggests both transexualism and bondage, and the title of Sly and the Family Stone : An Oral History (For the Record) for which he edited speaks for itself.
The Internet is often widely regarded as a "virtual community." It's obvious that just as Asbury Park faltered following the emergence of Springsteen's deviant lyrics, the online community is vulnerable too. Further steps must be taken to prevent Bruce's influence from effecting a total collapse of AOL's systems.
Just as John Lennon's "Imagine" was blamed for invigorating communism in Cuba and portions of northern Delaware, Springsteen's work can truly result in a Darkness on the Edge of Town. AOL should be applauded for ensuring that its Terms of Service protect us all.